This first email was a test to see if I could get myself added to the City of Kanata's online listing of officials - as a woman. Actually, it was as an angry lesbian, but that never came up.
To: Matthew Wilson
Anyway, my name belongs on the list under "Director Of Recreation and Development", since that's my position.
I grow tired of your run-around games. Please rectify this immediately.
To: Mrs. Ryan North
Thank you for your comments. It seems though that there is some confusion on what exactly is wrong with the directory. This is the first time that we have received any email stating that there was something wrong with the directory from yourself.
Also, I checked around and I cannot find any information on yourself as it relates to the City of Kanata. We already have a Director for that service group listed. As for the issue of having no women on the directory, another check of the directory shows that 51% of the names are of women. I'm not sure why you are not seeing these names during your "quick scan".
I suggest you delete your temp. internet files on your computer, then reload the page. That way, you can retrieve the latest update for that particular web page.
If you have any more comments or suggestions, please feel free to contact myself.
These next few emails were sent out in a one-day blitz. The story of their responses follows.
To: Karen Jennings (Township Treasurer/Manager of Finance/Tax Collector)
Says here that you're the "Treasurer/Manager of Finance/Tax Collector". My stars, but they keep you busy! You must TREASURE your job, eh, Karen? Though at times it can be quite TAXING! Ahaha! Do you get it? Those are puns.
...I hope you can MANAGE them! Ah-ho-ho-ho!
You put the "fine" in Finance, baby. Keep up the good work.
To: Arie Bakker (Township Minister of Septic Approvals)
Dear Arie Bakker,
I'm wondering what you do as a Minister of Septic Approvals. Personally, I'd think most people barely tolerate their septic systems, much less approve of them. But I'm not like them! I know that they perform a valuable, if disgusting, service.
Did you know that I own a septic tank?
To: Tom Lee (Director Of Recreation)
Dear Tom Lee,
I hear you are the director of Recreational Services. This pleases me in ways you cannot imagine.
I am planning to have a shin-dig ( a real get-together kinda blast ) some time next weekend, and I was wondering if you can help me out. I have need of the following Recrational Services:
- somebody to manage the beer flow
So far I have the following people on my list to help out: me. As a Director of Recrational Services, perhaps you could direct some other people to give me a hand..? I would like somebody to bring the chairs and somebody to manage the beer. I already called the croquet set set-up, sorry. You snooze, you lose. But if you want you can have the beer patrol job. It is the second best job, and you get to wear a badge I made that says "Beer Patrol". It is made from: cardboard, glue, crayons, 2 staples, string.
So that leaves somebody to cover the lawn chairs. Ha! Ha! I do not mean that I need somebody to physically cover the lawn chairs, of course! That is the job of my guests! I need somebody to bring over the lawn chairs, you understand. I would like to leave this job in your capable Director of Township Recreational Services hands.
So party, my place, next weekend. I hope to see you there! If weather permits, we will have a camp-fire sing-along. I haven't decided on the songs yet, but I'm sure you will pick up on the words quickly.
To: Scott Campbell (Municipal Law Enforcement Officer)
Dear Mr. Campbell,
I have a problem with my neighbours. The father neighbour has a stupid haircut and dorky glasses. The wife neighbour has this thing she does with her nose. They have two kid neighbours. The boy-kid neighbour picks dead frogs off the road and the girl-kid neighbour jumps in piles of leaves each fall.
I wonder if you can help me out. I'm certain my neighbours are breaking any number of by-laws. As the Muncipal By-Law Officer, you must have an encycloaepedic knowledge of all our arcane laws, yes? Then you can help me.
Bring these suckers in.
I'm certain there's a by-law against touching dead frogs. They're gross. And the leaf-jumping sounds like prime by-law territory to me. Looking around town, there seems to be no by-law against wearing dorky glasses, so I hope you will make that one up. Nobody will notice.
I remember when I friend of mine got busted tying a sheep to a flag-pole. Sure, the fact that he had access to a sheep surprised many - even me - but what was more surprising was that this sheep-tying was explicitly banned in the by-law book. Section 49c, Subsection 14. Gosh, he certainly felt "sheepish" after that! Baaaa-d news!
So will you go to my loser neighbours and tell them that dorky glasses and stupid kids are breaking Charter Code 114 Alpha, and maybe send them to jail? I'll buy you a beer if you do.
Two days later, Mr. Scott Campbell, Municipal Law Enforcement Officer, left his business card on my front door with the note "Please contact the Officer named on reverse".
My mom did.
Mr. Campbell explained that while people like himself have a sense of humour, some other members of the Township of Osgoode felt threatened by my emails and had made complaints to that effect.
Mr. Campbell then explained that in order to get my home address, they contacted Microsoft, which released the IP tracked by Hotmail, which was than correlated with my ISP, who then gave my home address.
Looking up "Ryan North" in the phone book apparently did not occur to them.
In other news, I am no longer allowed to email the Township of Osgoode under any circumstances, unless they are serious or life-threatening.
These next messages were sent to the Municipality of Kanata by Pat PJ McPats. Ever try to start your own community group? It isn't easy.
To: Gaetan Morin (Community Planning)
I recently sent the enclosed message to one of your colleagues, but unfortunately received no reply. You were my second choice, but it seems second best will have to do.
As a resident and proud supporter of the city of Kanata I thought everything was just fine. Until recently, that is... You see, I've noticed a small problem with the community. And with your help I'm sure we can quickly rectify this oversight. The problem I'm referring to is the notable lack of Puertoricans in our fair city. And since you're so heavily involved with community development, you are the ideal candidate for helping me with my project.
You see, I'm planning to start a Puertorican community in my home. So far it's just me and my friend, Mr. Salvador (I'm only half Puertorican, but Mr. Salvador is quite large so statistically I imagine we'd combine to make two quite adequate Puertoricans).
Anyways, I would appreciate any advice you can give in development and upkeep of my Puertorican community. I'm sure with your help I can really make it Juan in a million.
Perhaps you will have to time to offer guidance on my sizeable chore.
To: Pat Wisking
I don't quite know what number of members can consist a club but, would recommend that you write an article in the Kanata Kourier to see if people from your nationality would be interested in forming a club. Once you have enough members to form a club, you will need to identify a Board of Executives.
When this executive is in place, you will need to send information to our Mayor and Council informing them of your organization with a contact name. They will send the recreation department this information and we will put it in our community group listings.
Should you decide to do some fund raising or not-for-profit work and issue receipts, you will need to establish a charter by registering with Revenue Canada. Hope this has been helpful and look forward to the establishment of your organization.
To: Bill Van Dijk, Fleet Commander
Dear Mr. Van Dijk,
I'm glad I could get in contact with you, as I have dire need of your assistance with regards to your fine fleet. You see, I've been building a fleet of my own and have run into some problems.
For years now, we have been plotting against the hated British, and recently we have found a weakness. They have divided their fleet, leaving themselves vulnerable. In recent communcations with the King of Spain I have secured the aid of their fine armada. I had originally planned to catch the British fleet in the South Seas with their guard down, while most of their ships were in harbour.
Sadly, it seems that Admiral Nelson, commander of the British fleet has been dispatched personally to reinforce the South Seas force.
This brings us to the point of my letter. You possess perhaps the finest fleet in all of the new world, and with your added might I believe we have a chance of routing the Queen and her floatilla of fiends once and for all. I eagerly await you response.
Long live the free colonies!
To: Admiral Wisking
Dear Admiral Wisking,
So good of you to contact me. Sorry for the delay in my response to you, but it turned out the carrier pigeon who was charged with the delivery of this message was shot down. No doubt by a Brit. The animal finally made it to my doorstep and collapsed, exhaling its final breath. I immediately gave order to launch my fleet in the nearest waterway (the mighty Carp River), but alas, they all sank instantly upon entering the water. After some consultation with my engineers, it was discovered a terrible misunderstanding was at the root of this unfortunate event. Even though we immediately blamed the British, it turned out our fleet was not designed to float. Can you imagine??
In short, I regret to inform you I am unable to render any meaningful assistance at this time. Please keep me posted on your progress, I'm confident you will be able to complete the task at hand. Many good wishes to you and yours, and good luck with the mission.
Sincerely, Captain BILL
To: Captain Bill
Dear Captain Bill,
I write you on this joyous occasion to inform you of our victory over the scone-eaters, despite being forced to proceed without your fine fleet.
I'm sure an investigation will reveal that the British had their tea-soaked hands involved in the sabotage of your vessels from the earliest stages of their design. But as planned, we caught the British nearly off guard, destroying the reinforcements enroute to the south seas and sinking the rest of the fleet in their moorings.
Sadly, Admiral Nelson managed to evade capture. Overpowering the guards in the brig, he distracted us with a fiendish and ingenious incendiary device crafted from nothing but an ordinary pair of pants and a sack of potato skins. He used this distraction to affect his most daring escape, truly he is not a man to be underestimated. Luckily we managed to defuse the device before any serious damage was done to the pants. After all, I prefer to never burn my britches.
On any note, you have my deepest thanks for your ill-fated attempts to dispatch your fleet to our assistance. This is just another example of how carrier pigeon and trained courier monkey are helping to create a so-called "global village".
To: Admiral Wisking
Dear Admiral Wisking,
These are turbulent times indeed. No sooner did I hear about the unfortunate escape of Admiral Nelson, when I was reminded of some other reality. Does the name of Rear Admiral Shortliffe ring a bell? It appears he was on a secret mission to unite the local boroughs into a new Super borough. There is speculation he was acting upon direction from a General Harris. I'm not sure if there is a tie to Admiral Nelson, but the plot appears to thicken.
The result of this action is the need to consolidate our fleets with those of the other boroughs. I'm not sure ofcourse, but it seems the other boroughs used much of the same engineers to build their fleets as we did. This leads me to believe we could possibly end up with a super fleet, which I might add, WILL NOT FLOAT. I'm not sure how many are actually knowledgeable of this fact, I have strived to keep it secret amongst my men. I would propose we hold a emergency meeting to devise a response to these latest developments. If you arrange for the required ale, we could meet say in Stittsville? I hear there is a place on Goulbourn street which may suit. Please advise,
To: Captain Bill
Dear Captain Bill,
The seas are no less tumultuous, I'm afraid. I was recently separated from my fleet in the pursuit of Admiral Nelson, when I ran across a group of music pirates. A strange lot, these pirates communicated only through verse and song. They sung me a ballad of their woes, a grim tale that told of their encounters with a fierce Viking warrior, Lars, leader of a motley crew of brigands. Thankfully after a short stay aboard the pirate ship, mostly spent evading hostile craft, they returned me unmolested to welcoming shores.
As for your problems in regards to the creation of a greater By-town area, I must agree that it is no less grim than the dangers facing the music pirates. It was not long ago that the great city of York underwent a similar process. And as we both know, the reins of power were soon seized by a small-statured chair-hawker, turned self-styled King of York.
I think it's obvious that the British have their hands in this. Why else would the British have selected the underhanded Clarkson as their new representative in the colony at this time? Some may call her a philanthropist, but in truth the only arts to pique her interest are those of deceit and treachery. I suggest you take some form of action to disrupt this fiendish plot before bytown suffers the same fate as the once-splendid York.
I knew Stitts... a good man. 'Twas pity, him losing his nose to a wandering grizzly. But I'm sure a township bearing his name must be as trustworthy a place as any to conduct business. My ale supplies were mostly expended placating the pirates, but if need be I can stop by a local brewery.
The second event was that the township sent me the bill for their yearly Dog Tax, a $15 fee for owning a dog. Alas, none of these received any answers.
Dear people at Osgoode Township:
It has come to my attention that you have placed a little green and white sign on my property. This sign, which denotes my address in a sans-serif white typeface, cost me over $20 to have installed.
I want my $20 back.
You see, I never wanted this sign installed. It sucks. 20 dollars for a sign with my address on it? You may not know this, but I ALREADY have a sign with my address on it. It cost me 5 dollars, and the numbers are made of solid brass. Brass beats aluminum, cheikos.
"But," you cry, "firemen - excuse me - firepersons won't be able to find your house without this green sign!" Well, here's a tip: they could find it before. In fact, firefighters were finding houses way before ANY of you were born. Their technique usually consists of looking for the house with flames shooting from the roof. It's pretty hard to miss.
But, I seem to be stuck with the sign, for the time being.
So here's what I suggest. Either you refund my money and take away your green sign, or I will engage a counterstrike.
If you like your little green signs so much, then you'll get your little green signs - all the little green signs you can handle.
That's right. Good luck distinguishing which sign is the REAL sign when my entire front lawn is covered with thousands of little green signs - each with a different number! Ahahahah! I'll be EVERY address in the whole freakin' township! And what are you gonna do about it? Hopefully, NOTHING!
I Want My 20 Dollars Back Dude.
From: Pat Wisking
I have a plan I would like examined, and being that I am a resident of Kanata, and you are a plan examiner for the city of Kanata, I thought you the logical contact.
Anyways, here's the plan:
First, I would need to get my hands on maybe a ladder, or a large trampoline. The trampoline might be a little unwieldy, but heck... it's a trampoline, man!
Alright, after getting the trampoline I'd need some peanut butter and a lenght of garden hose. Those two items are no problem. Anyways, I'm bouncing on the trampoline, garden hose in one hand, peanut butter in the other. I figure I'd bring the whole jar of peanut butter, to avoid any unnecessary mess. Okay, so I bounce really high on the trampoline, then put the hose through an open window on the second story. Then I eat some of the peanut butter, because all of this bouncing has really made me hungry.
Now comes the good part, I hook the hose up to a faucet and then turn it on. Then I run inside, up the stairs and to the room with the hose. I stick the hose into the matress of my waterbed and BAM, that sucker will be full in no time. It might get a little messy with all the water being spilled, but I figure if I spread some towels around it wont be a big problem.
Anyways... what do you think of the plan?
From: Ryan North
How are you? I am fine, thanks for asking.
The reason I'm writing you is because I haven't heard from your Municipal Law Enforcement office in quite a while. In fact, the only time I hear from you is when you want money for dog tags. Janet, that just isn't neighbourly. You can't build a relationship on a yearly request for funds, believe me.
I will of course be paying the registration fee for Kita, as it entitles me to a shiny brass dog tag, which he enjoys immensely. Kita sends his regards, by the way.
But please Janet, drop by once in a while. Don't be a such stranger. I imagine that there's more to the Municipal Law Enforcement office than asking for dog fees, J. Let's try to let our hair down a little and party! You're always welcome to party at my house. It's party central. Everything is legal, of course.