Ryan Responds: No gnus is good gnus. Better than updating when it's not funny.

From: chuck monroe
Subject: i like breasts
Message: whats the deal with people getting theyre implants removed?? this confuses me. it also enrages me to a point of stupification. why would these people get the implants in the first place? to feel more secure about themselves? fuck no! to fill out their motheres maternity clothing? well thats a possibility but the real and obvious answer is to give men a short feeling of whats clinically known as "damnthatbitchhasnicetititis" i suffer from this disease. it is quite sad. i would like it, immensely, if this mad house of sorts would use its power over 14 year old boys, to get women to put those silicon death-pouches back in. thank you

Pat PJ McPats Responds: I still don't see how the power to control 14 year old boys possibly influence women to get breast implants...
Huh?

Professor Science Responds: Chuck, while you believe you may suffer from "damnthatbitchhasnicetititis", you may in fact be suffering from the similar and easily-confusable disease "damniwishihadmyownbreasts
soicouldstayhomeanddojumping
jacksinfrontofthemirrorallday-itis." This would account for your obsession of sorts with implants. However, your focus on maternity challenges even my science-enhanced brain. Many libraries have a human sexuality section where you can read about such quasi-trangendered people such as yourself. Try reading up on it! The worst you could do is learn something!

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: You seem pretty pissed off. Almost as pissed off as I get when I hear people announce seniors' birthdays and strap "young" on the end, like "Billy Turgeon turned 80 years young today." Listen, strapping wishful thinking on the end of their birthday doesn't change anything. I couldn't say "Hey, I turned 20 years banging supermodels today." Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea. Wait, what was the original topic again?

Oh yeah, women usually take their implants out if they want to become "serious actresses." See, if you've got big ass implants, then no one is gonna consider you a serious actress. So, in conclusion, usually it's actresses who get big breasts in the beginning, in order to get movie roles, and then once they're established as eye candy, then they take them out to try to make a transistion to serious actress. Hey, that's actually a pretty good answer.

From: priya
Subject: mike's site
Message: Hey guys, in case you wanted to know, I followed that link to that Mike guy's site. Man, does that one ever suck. I can only think of one worse... HUMOR.COM. THOSE guys can't even spell. What IS the world coming to?

So I signed his guestbook, if you want to go read it... I was a little rough on him, but I think it's for the best. Here's what I wrote, in case he refuses to post it:

***********

You said, and I quote, that "mADHOUSE iS fOR lAMES!".

What is a "lame" exactly? Is that even a noun?

And by the way, it's not spelled "suckz".

I went to this site from a link from Madhouse, obviously. Honestly, to tell you the truth, I don't think the free hits are really worth it if they're just hits from people who are going to make fun of you after reading your page.

This message is a little harsh. To make you feel better, I can tell you that I like ska too, but that's still not going to let you off the hook for having a really crappy site. Seriously, it's really crappy.

Good luck.

Priya

********************

If he kills himself, am i responsible? Or do I get a trophy from the World Gene Pool Commission?

Pat PJ McPats Responds: Ahhhh, your rage serves humanity well. Yes, the Mikesters site is lame, but it doesn't take a well thought out argument to convince us.

Ryan Responds: Man, am I ever glad I'm not Mike.

From: Captain Pants
Subject: Trousers
Message: TROUSERS ARE NEAT!!!

Pat PJ McPats Responds: Trouser? I just met her! Ahahaha.... ehhhh. Sorry.

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: Trousers, although serving the purpose to help further mask your genitalia, are not all that neat. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that by serving the purpose of covering your genitalia it puts them into a category of "sub-neat". Can you imagine a world where people walk around without pants on? We'd be one step closer to having sex with each other, and what is wrong with that? Just for sending this letter, Captain Pants, I've sent your arch-nemesis, Colonel Commando, to destroy you. See you in hell, Captain Pants!!

From: Mike Olson AKA MixMastaMike
Subject: I hate madhouse
Message: Madhouse sucks, all the articles are extremely unfunny. Why does anybody want to read fake news,this site is just a rip of the onion, which is also unfunny. Im now going to proceed to start a cult against madhouse.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: You're going to 'proceed to start' a cult against Madhouse? Dear God man, that's like 3 layers of paperwork before you get off the ground!

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: : Uh oh, looks like Mike's gonna start a cult against Madhouse. Ohhh, I'm so terrified! Mike's the kind of person that starts something, and then immediately quits it, right after his parents have spent a shitload of money on it. So what Mike means by "I'm now going to proceed to start a cult against madhouse" is "I'm gonna get my parents to help me finance a cult, but the money will be used to buy alcohol." And there's nothing less scary than drunken Mike. His cult's purpose would be to stumble around in a drunken stupor while hitting on women with such effective pick-up lines as "Hey....uh...ladies!"

From: Nutty McSkwerl
Subject: tht tht tht tht!!!!
Message: Get outta my tree!

Pat PJ McPats Responds: A treeriffic joke, with treemendous potential.

Ryan Responds: Ho ho ho! Nutty McSkwerl, I'm 'rooting' for you!

From: Drone #388594
Subject: Kanata
Message: I am a random Kanata resident and I don't appreciate you making fun of my metropolitan city.

Kanata is a bustling hub of cultural activity and contrary to popular belief, we are NOT a dispirited shuffling file of soulless drones.

Thank you.

Kanata Resident #388594

Pat PJ McPats Responds: Yes, from the Kourier-Standard to Twoonie pizza and Extreme Pita Kanata truly is a center of suburban sprawl. You're right, we'd be amiss if we didn't also mention the legions of baggy-panted teenage clones.Some of these clones tell flimsy stories in which they "stole two vans, scored 30,000 hits of acid and partied for 3 days straight". God, I hate Kanata, but thanks for reminding us of our responsiblity to tell the whole story!

I hear they're also starting a Puertorican community to help fight the British.

From: bob
Subject: dole
Message: here's a story for you. Women dissapointed by failure of her shampoo to give her an orgasm.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: Hey... do you write for the onion?

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: No women are disappointed by a shampoo failing to give them an orgasm. If one of them got an orgasm from a shampoo she'd be like "Whoahh, shit!!! That was awesome!" as opposed to "Finally, what took you so long?"

From: Gorilla Jackson-Brown
Subject: personality-switching machine
Message: i was watching "the magical world of Disney" and it inspired me to build a machine that would allow me to switch my personality with that of a gorilla. I was able to live among the Gorillas undetected. My research on primates is now complete, but unfortunately my gorilla brained body has walked off, leaving me trapped as a gorilla! My innocent experiment has gone horribly awry! GIVE ME BANANA.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: You may be a gorilla, but you're a gorilla with access to the internet! And in my books, that's the gorilla my dreams!

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: The same thing happened to me and my dad. But then I had to do his job, and he was stuck doing my homework and tests. In the end, our brains got in their right places, and we had a new found respect and understanding for each other. Disney turned it into a movie, with which they spliced scenes of pornography. Ha ha ha, those wacky Disney guys!!! Will they ever learn?

Ryan Responds: That's really interesting, because the same thing happened to me and my dad one manic monday in the 1980s. The hilarious part was, I didn't know how to be an electrical engineer, and I accidently spilt some gallium-arsenide on a live capacitor line and started a chemical fire.

I guess you had to be there.